Transcription:Meteorgeddon
start with a newspaper issue of The Orange Times that spins up to us and says: "Giant Meteor Headed for Earth" with a picture of a meteor below the title. A few seconds later, the screen page flips to a different newspaper of The Dizzy Times that also spins up to us and says: "Planet Doomed!" with a photo of Earth underneath. One more page flips reveals another issue of The Spinning News that says: "We wasted our lives!" say Bitter Environmentalists" and a photo of a screaming man that stands in front of tree being hugged by two other men. We then fade to NASN (parody of NASA) administrator Sean O'Keefe at a podium in a convention, talking to reporters. His name and occupation slide under him as he talks. Sean O'Keefe: Well, it is scientifically possible to fly a crew of men to the asteroid and destroy it, saving our planet. However, it will cost $80,000 trillion dollars. cut to a group of reporters that are talking to O'Keefe about the asteroid. First Reporter: Sir, is that a made up number? Sean O'Keefe: (sarcastically) Yes. that said, he walks out of the shot, and Senator Thad Generic walks up to the podium, with his name also sliding underneath him. Thad Generic: The fine citizens of this country are reluctant (bangs the podium, causing feedback from the microphones) to support another tax increase. Therefore, Congress is asking America to vote on who goes into space. snap to a different group of reporters. Second Reporter: Don't we have highly trained astronauts? Thad Generic: '''Ohh... that's just something of a myth. '''Second Reporter: 'Plus, how can people vote? '''Thad Generic: '''They can call our special 800 number. You can vote as many times as you like, but each call costs you $30,000. (addressing us) Kids, get your parents' permission. ''scene cuts to president George W. Bush in his office in the White House. '''George W. Bush: As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space... but this letter from my daddy says I don't need to go! (makes rude musical notes with his tongue, spreads his wings out, gets up, and runs around his office pretending to fly) Zoom, zoom, zoom... Zoom, zoom, zoom! snap to a newscaster that sits at a news anchor desk and reports the news. Newscaster: The results are in... (a photo of Harrison snaps into the shot) and the man Americans have selected to lead the meteor mission is Harrison Ford, who has starred in more top-grossing motion pictures than any other actor alive. (as he says this, scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark and Witness play. In them, respectively, Ford runs from a rolling boulder and beats the life out of a man on a farm) Today, the fate of the world is in his capable hands. cut back to the NASN convention, where Ford is speaking to several more people from the podium. Harrison Ford: Listen; I'm 62 years old, and I'm just an actor. You people are all insane. snap to an obese geeky fan with a Star Wars shirt on. Star Wars fan: Go get 'em, Han Solo! scene cuts to a space themed room, where Ford and O'Keefe are hacing a conversation and a scientist behind them studies the path of the meteor. Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers that will accompany me on this mission. Sean O'Keefe: 'Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission. ''he finishes his sentence, Steven Tyler from Aerosmith walks into the shot. '''Steve Tyler: I'm ready to rooooooock! (vomits a blue substance onto the table in front of the trio) Harrison Ford: '''My God- did you just get off the centrifuge trainer? '''Steve Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs. YEOW! next scene is of a live action television viewer in his bedroom, spitting out some of his drink in response to the previous scene. Irate Viewer: 'That's terrible! Aww, Steven Tyler's been clean for years! I have to write an angry letter. (begins to type on his laptop) "Dear ass-faces..." ''next shot is of a high school gym, where Mark Hamill talks to several more people (including the fat Star Wars fan). '''Mark Hamill: Ladies and gentlemen, I've gathered you all here today to... volunteer my services and blow up that meteor. I mean, come on, I blew up the freaking Death Star with my eyes closed. (scoffs) No problem. Star Wars fan: 'That was just a movie, dude. ''next shot shows a space shuttle that is about be launched into outer space. 'Countdown Announcer: '''4, 3, 2, 1, 0... Liftoff. Liftoff. ''shuttle blasts right off into space. '''Steven Tyler: Yeah! vomits in his helmet, and then we cut to the meteor hurtling towards Earth, and then back to inside the shuttle. Harrison Ford: All right, people, this is it. We've got to make a perfect three-point landing on the surface of a chunk of rock traveling 14,000 kilometers an hour and use our positioning software to determine our exact locations in which to detonate our charges, fracturing the meteor into small-enough pieces that'll burn up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere. Then we'll turn this puppy around and get home in one piece. Can we do this? Steven Tyler and the other astronauts: Yeah! Harrison Ford: Are you with me? Steven Tyler and the other astronauts: ''Yeah!'' that agreed, the astronauts start to chant their country's name. Space Crew: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.- as the space shuttle lands on the meteor, it blows up.. Sean O'Keefe: '''(shocked at watching this on a monitor) F**k! '''George W. Bush: (also shocked at watching on his TV set) F**k! Irate Viewer: '''(not as shocked, even though he was watching on his TV set) Now, '''that sucks donkey dung. end the segment, the meteor zooms at lighting speed towards Earth and destroys it in one blast.Category:Transcriptions